youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
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