checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
