I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
