i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
Randomize
