I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
