life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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