my phone needs a breathalizer
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Randomize
