i permit you to call me
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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