If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize
