just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
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