someone threw a dead crab at me
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
