What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
