There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Randomize
