$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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