So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
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