i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Randomize
