Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
You smell like a Billy Joel song
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
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