I puked a lego.
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Crop dusting thru forever 21
Randomize
