I wish my penis had an off switch
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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