We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
