I seem to have left my pride at pride
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Someone shattered a urinal.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Randomize
