the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
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