Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
