I feel like I'm in dance class right now
If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Randomize
