New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
