its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
