Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
your like the ambassador to my penis.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
Randomize
