I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
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