Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
Randomize
