Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
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