THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
