you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
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