i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
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