i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
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