i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
