Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Randomize
