6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Randomize
