my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
Randomize
