My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
