i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
pray to the hookup gods
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
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