I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
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