My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Randomize
