"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Randomize
