Joe is yelling at the trees again.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
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