you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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