You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
