If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
