did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Well you know what I always say about freshmen.... If you want it, and they've got it... get it.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
