i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
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