Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
