I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
im about as happy as oj after his trial
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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